Sunday, June 27, 2010

How Do You Know When The Love Is Gone?

As a romance author I’m always writing about a new budding romance that becomes a deep abiding love; lasting for eternity…a love that fills ones soul with inner happiness and lasting desire.

I’m a romantic at heart, deep down I believe in a love like this. I know from personal experience there is a love like I write about in my novels…an honest, deep abiding love I know will last for as long as I’m alive…but I also believe this is a very rare thing to find in this world.

The stats on divorce prove that. {;-)

So, I have to wonder about the other side of love…the darker side of love…the bad side of love.

Pretty picture, yes?

But is it? The couple in this photo look happy, don't they? But look again. Look at the body language...she smiles, he doesn't. She is free and he is chained. Where she sits...she controls him. Her arms are open to the world of her desire...he is closed and haunted in his soul...his dreams are dashed as he serves her. IS THIS LOVE OR JUST A FORM OF POSSESSION AND CONTROL?

Have you ever looked at your own photos? Go look. Get a photo of you and that special someone in your life when you first got together...then get one of you two taken recently...what do you see? Has your love bloomed or has it waned?

Does the first photo show wide smiles, bodies that hold on to each other, eyes that connect; seeking out one another or cheeks touching? Do you see bodies that lean into each other for the shot?

Compared to the last photo taken, do you and the loved one still have your arms wrapped around each other or do you sit more apart? Are your eyes looking across the room rather than focused on the shot with the mate? Or are your arms wrapped around your mate but his/hers are not holding on to you? Are the wide smiles now just Mona Lisa smiles? Does one body lean in as the other turns away? Or do both of you lean in opposite directions? Are arms or legs crossed closing off from those around them?

If you see a change in the body language in these love fading? Has it gone? IN MOST CASES the answer is YES.

If your photos are more like the dominant one above from the very start, I have to question the emotion LOVE. The type of "love" where only one person in the relationship gains all and the other is chained to them through guilt, obligation, blood or their own honor. The kind of "bad" love where a person can't be free to be who they are, a love that you become a slave to. This is not good love. This is not really love at all....but a form of control.

If you only get told you're loved after doing something for that person and the rest of the time you're made to feel guilty for who you are, and told or made to feel you're a bad person the rest of the time...this is not true love...this is a form of control.

There are some people who use the words "I love you" only to get what they want. BEWARE. These people are users and they seek out the givers. This is a bad love. This is manipulation... not love!

Controllers can be very tricky in their manipulation, they can turn things around to make themselves look like the victim, and they attempt to cast everything that goes wrong in their life on you. Using guilt to get from you what they want. This is bad love.

How do you know when you're in that kind of relationship? Watch how they treat you. Hear their words. If they stand in judgement and use choices you've made in your life againt you...this is not love, it's control. If you hear how much they love you and need you and then they turn around and tell you they hate you...this is not love, it's's the bad love.

How do you know when love is good or bad? Well, this is a hard question, but my first guess would be to take a look within yourself and I happy? Do you feel light and happy when y0u wake up in the morning? Is there a lot of laugher in the relationship?

If you've answered NO to these questions...I'd say chances are you're not in a good love situation...and mind you, it's not just a romantic relationship we're discussing...bad love can be with a mate, boy/girlfriend, parents, siblings, or friends.

Most of the time the love I see between people is between givers and takers…this is not a good love. It’s a love that’s one sided and it’s a love that’s harmful for both involved.

So to find a "Romance" kind of that will last for eternity, look for someone who is your best friend as well as lover and when you find him/her ... hear your heart...but watch their actions. If what you want is not as important as their own desires to them...move on. And don't you be a user...remember, you have to care about their desires as much as you care about your own as well.

True love or romantic love is a two way road...both people are fulfilled in their dreams and desires. Each of you support the other in their goals and never ever stand in judgement...that's God's job...true love only loves and accepts all your faults and enjoys all the good you have to offer. Those who love don't tell you how to love them ("If you loved me you'd do this or that")...Those who love with honesty in their hearts never take advantage of your kindness. True lovers just love you for who and what you are....that's good love!

So...dump the "Bad" love and do it without guilt...move on and find real love, real happiness, real trust and desire! And may all of you reading this today find only pictures of two people holding on to each other just as tightly has they did the first time they snapped a photo together.



Blodeuedd said...

I am afraid i found this post rather depressing today :(
But still good points. I just do not like to think about the other side of love, and love gone. I just live in the now and happiness of being in love and loved.

A man called Valance said...

Hawk, you old romantic you.

Houston A.W. Knight said...


WooHoo the first to post again! You've got your number one spot back!

Ah, I'm sorry you found this depressing...but every now and then I got to write a post to make us all think or appreciate what we're lucky enough to have. And for those who don't have it... what to look for to get it. And for those in a "Bad" love how to spot it to get out.

It was meant as a helpful article...not meant to depress....sorry it came across that way for you sweetie!

I'm with you...I usually don't think about this kind of love I said...I enjoy writing romance BECAUSE it's always a happy ending. It's what love is suppose to be for all of us....a forever and always kind of love.


Houston A.W. Knight said...

Mr. V! I hear sarcasm? From you? Nawh, not from you, Mr. Valance!


I couldn't be hearing that tone in your voice...could I?

But if you think about it, I am a romantic...that's why I ended the post the way I did.

Are you picking on me Mr. V? Bad boy if you are!

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

Hi Hawk

I'm a giver, always have been, but I became wary and aware at a very young age of the users and abusers. It's amazing what children are exposed to in our world. Still, sometimes being even a cautious giver 'gives' me back trouble, my 'innocence' gets me in trouble, lol. I haven't experience a really horrible experience with the dark side of love, the sick controlling side of perverted love. But, I know others who have, I've seen the destruction both mentally and physically that can occur up close and personal.

As bad as the world is, I'm still willing to trust and give until it's proven that the users didn't deserve my love or friendship, it still happens after all the time I've spent on this round global we call home. Though it stings to get my feelings hurt or my heart bruised, I won't trade my experiences away. I'm a better person for them.

It might be self destructive to have this attitude, but it's part of my personality and I can't change, I wouldn't change if I could.

I would say I'm sorry for the soul trapped in your photo. But, maybe it's his choice to be controlled, maybe it's his way of finding love, even if we see that love as wrong. Maybe it's all sex play and we don't know. Anything is possible. We'll never know.

I do know that I am loved, my children are loved, my family is loved, and my extended family with all my many relatives and friends exudes love, and anyone in their general vicinity gets sucked in, lol. My family didn't have loads of money when I was growing up, with seven kids, we had to make do. Love is an easy commodity to give away, it just depends on how you're looking and what you're looking for.

Dottie :)

Houston A.W. Knight said...


I think it's wonderful to be surrounded by all that *good* kind of love! Wish we all could be that lucky.

But as you said, for those who are not, make the change and let the experience make you a better person in the end.

Wonderful words you've given us all to think about!

Big hugs

Christine said...

Real love is messy. That's why I write fictional romance stories. Honestly, marriage is a tug of war for the best of the adjusted people. The trick is to learn over time where to surrender your control and where to assert your control. The closest I've come to really knowing unconditional love is through loving my child. Marriage brings expectations after the first zings of attraction and love fade. It's why we clap when we hear of long marriages--at least those of us who are married--cause we know behind the smiles and glows, there was a journey. A long one. An imperfect one. A journey where two people figured out how to look past their power struggles and fights and imperfections and say, "It is what it is and we are good with it for the most part."

That's called, um, compromise, I think.

Blodeuedd said...

I know, first!! ;)

Well you know, sad love makes me sad :( But no worries, it was a very good post, and that about photos really made me think.

But I am all for the HEAs, sadly those may end in heartache too

Carrie at In the Hammock Blog said...

This is such an interesting post. I will have to look at some of my own photos, and maybe there are some changes I need to make.

Honestly, it took me several views of the picture to decide of this was a woman and a man or two women. Strange that the female is so dominant but that the submissive male looks so feminine. its sad that femininity is seen as submissive :( This is what i see in the picture at least.

I'm glad I found your blog, I'm following now!

Houston A.W. Knight said...


Your words couldn't be more true...True love is work, hard work...and in the end... worth it... because it's TRUE LOVE...not romance.

hugs big time

Houston A.W. Knight said...


What I love is the fact that you said "changes I need to make."
It shows what kind of person you're willing to look at yourself and see your part in things....and make changes. This is awesome!

OMG sweetie, thank you for becoming a follower and I shall add you to my list as well. I've been to your blog and it's very very nice! I will be returning to comment! promise!

Big hugs

Oscar said...

The love is over in today's picture, Hawk. Is that couple in Hell? Or is that a form of torture?

M.V.Freeman said...

Oscar, you're killin' me...*laughing*

I like your talk about love.

I find that a good love is one of a partnership, respect, care, and commitment.

Love/Loving is a verb. Sometimes, we forget that. We actively are doing something--emotionally, physically, etc. for one another.

When one stops being active in love than it dies.

I do believe that love can be rekindled...but it has to be on the part of both. (And not if lines have been crossed that can never fully heal)

And I agree about the dysfunction of love, the manipulation, control, and abuse...dangerous stuff.

I hope that no one has to walk those dark roads of love, instead walk the good.

Hope you have a wonderful day!


Lori Sanders-Foley said...

saltWell, this particular post seems to be a hotspot for discussion.

To the romantic concept, faerie tales and a wearied style of alpha romance (from the 50, 60s&70s), have long muddied our social correlation between love and control. Protection and provision equates to love for many, both male and female. The woman who prepares meals for her husband must love him; the male who buys a big house for his wife must love her.
Of course, objectively, we can see that the provision might be more about the provider's sense of self, their ego, their pride than their passion, or emotion.
However, when in a relationship, we as humans are seldom objective. More often, the dopamine (spelling?) in our systems makes us subjective.
Do I believe that a romantic euphoric love can be maintained for an extended length of time?
Of course, I do. However as Christine pointed out, the difficult concession is to surrender. One's emotional surrender jeopardizes our sense of self control.
As you pointed out, a long-term relationship of any sort requires a deep trusting friendship.
And, of course, for some, the only kind of love they've been exposed to is the kind exhibited by the second photo. BTW, interesting that in the background one can see Munch's painting The Scream...
I'm just saying.

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

Wonderful, thought evoking post! I've been with my husband since I was 18...that's 26 years now...We do things to keep our relationshi young...We boat and just bought a Harley...I think the key is keeping your relationship fresh...

A man called Valance said...

' I hear sarcasm?'




'I couldn't be hearing that tone in your voice...could I?'


'But if you think about it, I am a romantic...that's why I ended the post the way I did.'

And that's why I called you an old romantic.

'Are you picking on me Mr. V? Bad boy if you are!'

Course I ain't picking on you. I'm agreeing with you. But that does bring into focus the problems a man can have with a woman. There are times when agreeing with a woman can be just as dangerous as disagreeing with her. Take the classic situation when a woman asks ‘Honey, does my ass look big in this?’ Well, what’s a man supposed to say? He’s got two choices – lie, or agree and take the sulky consequences. And he’d better hope no-one’s snapping pictures of the sulky consequences, because if the photos were scrutinised at a later date, the poor sucker could be branded a scoundrel in Hawk’s picture test.

Houston A.W. Knight said...


LOL, no the love isn't over or there would only be one of you in the picture...the love is there it just needs a little TLC - to be's a love well worth work for or you wouldn't have stayed that long...get to work!

Go through that old album and walk down memory lane...remember why you fell in love with that person and rediscover what you lost from a busy life making ends meet, bringing up kids and whatever else life put in the path...time to rediscover the love! Go for it OSCAR!!!


Houston A.W. Knight said...


You said it all when you said *When one stops being active in love than it dies.*

You couldn't be more right!

And if I haven't said something before M.V., I love your good Vibs!


Houston A.W. Knight said...

Lori! you noticed Munch's painting of The Scream...LOL...I did as well and was wondering who else would.

I like the points you made about love...all very true!

Love is a hard can feel so good and cause so much pain!


Houston A.W. Knight said...

Sharon...I agree with you on keep love alive you have to want to spend time with your best friends and see life through similar eyes.

To keep a good relationship going you both have to be willing to think of the other first and be willing to work at it. Love is work, but soooo worth it!

I always say if a cheater worked only 1/2 the amount of time at his relationship with his wife that he puts into cheating, he'd have a happy marriage and it wouldn't cost him as much as a mistress!



Houston A.W. Knight said...

Mr. V,

You said...But that does bring into focus the problems a man can have with a woman. There are times when agreeing with a woman can be just as dangerous as disagreeing with her.'re sooo right! It's a tricky fine line you boys have to walk...I'll admit that!
;-) BUT God made you men strong enough to deal with us crazy women!

You said - Take the classic situation when a woman asks ‘Honey, does my ass look big in this?’ Well, what’s a man supposed to say? He’s got two choices – lie, or agree and take the sulky consequences. And he’d better hope no-one’s snapping pictures of the sulky consequences, because if the photos were scrutinised at a later date, the poor sucker could be branded a scoundrel in Hawk’s picture test.

ROTFLOL!!!!!! NOW any woman with a sense of humor has got to laugh at this!'re soooo right again!

You're killing me Mr. V! My sides are hurting from laughing so much!

Ah, what a life you poor guys have to live because of us girls! But where would you be without us, huh?


M.V.Freeman said...

Thanks Hawk!

You always know how to bring smiles all around! :-)


Houston A.W. Knight said...


I learned that from you!

Big hugs sweetie!

Lori Sanders-Foley said...


I had to laugh at your comment on a man's choice when a woman asks, "does my ass look big in this?"

A very clever man would answer neither yea nor nay. A clever man would grin devilishly, wrap his arms around her and whisper in her ear, " why I married you..."

game~set~and match.

At least it works in my house.

Houston A.W. Knight said...


Oh yes, I like your guy's answer to the ever open ended question about our ass'! VERY VERY smart man you've got! He knows how to swim in a woman's world...with his head above water!

Big hugs sweetie

Cecile said...

Hey Hawk!!
I am finally making it here. Yeah, been kinda rough. But anyway...

Humm... Love does have a dark side to it. Doesn't all of light have a side of dark to it. No matter how much we try to sugar coat things, love is dark. The light is what we show the public. Everyone's life is different behind closed doors.

In that picture, I do not see the gloom of love. I see a woman who is loving the control her man is allowing her to have. As far as the chain... well, I see no collar so I am not sure who is chained. And I would not be sure that what is chained is by choice. He likes to be chained sometimes. What is good for one couple might scare the other.
Her hand is placed on his shoulder with her finger splayed open, letting you know that he is her man and she will fight you if you come near him.
LOL! Okay.. it is late... I am going to head offline before my story really takes a turn, lol!
Hope all is well honey!!

Cheyenne said...

I have to admire you all, the romantic in you spells nothing but good fortune for the future of love!

But! As for me? The greatest love of my life?..........
She came into my life when I was 16 years old. I was nothing but a callow youth. I knew nothing of life and its intentions for me, but professed to know it all! How foolish can some one be? Her name was Berengaria, her parents had been devoutly Historical! They also named there oldest son Richard!

She walked into my life on a Monday in October 1969, I remember it to this day, it was raining heavily, but as my eyes lighted upon her, I ceased to notice the drenching stuff!
Her walk was purposeful, lithe and sinuous. The gentle turn of her neck as she swept the long dark locks from her shoulder. Aah! Even now after all these years, she makes me quiver, the winter of that year here in Britain, was cold. But I never seemed to notice.
I was a keen swimmer, and Berengaria would accompany me to the weekly stint at the local pool.
On one particularly cold night, we had left the pool, and were walking home, the darkness of the night was lit by the miriads of stars in the sky, I remember how our hair, still wet from the pool, had frozen! It was like straw. But what I remember most, of this night was, how intense the feelings were, her hand on my face,the touch of an innocent time. I still to this day feel her hand caressing my face.

Our seperation was sudden, her parents became £10 poms, and left for Australia. I never saw her again.

Houston A.W. Knight said...


Hey made awesome key points about the picture...not is all as it seems at times.


Houston A.W. Knight said...


Ah, 'tis a beautiful tale you tell...young love always remains as wonderful memories in our minds.


A man called Valance said...

'Ah, what a life you poor guys have to live because of us girls! But where would you be without us, huh?'

Bowling, golfing, drinking... having a good time somewhere, I expect.

Honest answer? Misery Street.

Houston A.W. Knight said...

Mr. V!

I love your humor and your honesty!


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